Shy Johnny

  When I got to go and I want to go alone. Lets just say, it doesn't always work out the way I want.

 

I have a shy Johnny. I call it Johnny because it's no Johnson. Whenever I go take leak I have to time it. Before entering the restroom, I have to look over my shoulder. Like I'm being followed by the urinal police. I have to give Johnny a little pep talk. Okay an average pep talk. Okay, maybe I'm stretching a bit.  I'm like the pitching coach on the mound and Johnny is the relief pitcher. Okay the count is two balls and no strikes. You got this! You got a one minute window. Now get busy! No one is coming in. No one is looking at you junior. Besides you're walled up at the thighs with porcelain. 

Then it happens, someone walks in and he stands right next to me. It's not like he didn't have any other options. He did. There was at least four other available urinals. Right next to me and the shy guy. Now the shy guy becomes the dry guy. It's not like he going to break the ice. Heck, he can hardly break the urinal ice. There I am focusing on a speck on the wall, eye level, right in front of me. Engaging in a silent conversation with Johnny. Come on, it's just some guy who obviously has confidence and a big bat. He's having no problem. You can plainly hear that. It's not like you have talk to him. Hello sir. Yes, you say Sir, because you got to respect a guy who can stand tall and let it flow. What would say anyway? You'd never say, "How's it hanging?" unless of course, you wanted to find out. 

Some guys want to see how far away they can get from urinal and still make it in. Working on their arc, like practising free throws on the basketball court. So it's not hard  to see how it is hanging. Heck, Some guys are dribbling on their way up to the urinal. Some guys clear their throats at the precise time the flow starts, so you don't hear the initial lack lustre surge. 

Sometimes, I have resort to the stall because of urinal overcrowding. I stand there and flush just for encouragement but you got to time that too. One flush is acceptable. Continuously flushing, brings up red flags. Then the dialog continues come on Johnny beat the flush. You can do it.  Back to my urinal Johnny.....

I am now looking down in disgust. I think, awe zip it. I really think f it but the sound of zipper drowns it out. Now I have two choices.  Walk to the stall and let the guy know that yup, I'm a freak, or wash up so he can see that I'm a clean freak. I walk out the conversation continues. Really, I can't believe you. It's just a natural bodily function.  Like a dog getting caught doing a bad thing. My Johnny just hangs there like a tail between my legs. This is why I never shop. Its usually one of two things. Literally. It's like I'm the bathroom inspector everywhere I go. And everywhere I go, I have to go. And some places I really don't want to go.

I'm so glad it doesn't cost a quarter to spend a penny. I'd have keep a roll in my pocket at all times. I don't need that kind of attention.